I’ve been wanting to write about being a mother for a long time now. But I can’t just face the fact that I’m not the mother I wish I had been for my children.

Most of the time, I feel like a failure and I know some people would say that I’m not and that I’m doing everything that I can.

You just don’t know and will never know until you become a hemiplegic like me. The everyday frustration of not being able to do things perfectly and not having the strength I used to have weighs me down. Not to mention losing all the patience in even the most mundane things.

Yes, I’m failing in my role every single day, but I’m trying my darndest. When I became a mother 16 years ago, I didn’t know how hard it would be. I just know that it’s part of the package and I would need to fulfill it because society tells me so.

But now I’m realizing that it wouldn’t be so difficult had I been “normal” for lack of a better term. I can envision myself being the mother my family would love me to be. But this is the hand I’ve been dealt with. All I can do now is to do everything that I can in my capacity however terrible I might be.

Yes, there are times I find myself crying out of frustration. I find myself wishing I could go back to how I used to be. But I would eventually wake up from that dazed moment and would virtually slap myself to reality. Yes, I can lift myself up, and shake myself to wake up if I need to be. I just need an outlet to pour my emotions. In most cases, I bury myself with work or chores. If not, I find something to cry about. Whether it’s a sappy movie or a dramatic poem. I’ll use whatever I can get.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being a mother. It’s just the frustration of not having the ability to be someone I would like myself to be that weighs me down, if you get what I mean. If not, you have reached the end of my post. If you didn’t get it, don’t worry, I didn’t either.

Happy Mother’s Day! If you found yourself scratching your head today, you’re not alone. I’m sure you’ll be looking forward to more Mother’s Day celebrations and hoping that the following years will be better than the last.