I have been a hemiplegic for four years and four months already, yes that long. But even with that, I don’t expect people to understand what happened to me, but if they ask or are curious, I would be willing to share my story, di naman ako madamot. I don’t expect people to know what happened to me, friends or relatives even if I’m the most active person in Facebook, because I know that they have their own lives to mind. Case in point, two weeks ago, some relatives visited our house, I was sitting in the garage, some people say that when I don’t stand up to walk, they wouldn’t suspect that I am a disable, parts of my face might show it, yes my face is still a bit distorted, or twitched, but it’s not very obvious. Well, I didn’t stand up to welcome them, I stay seated but eventually they went in , while they were in the living room I had to go to the bathroom and as I entered the living room limping they were surprised and even asked “ o anong nangyari dito?”. Like I said, I don’t mind if they didn’t know, I didn’t take offense specially when one of them apologized and told me, “ay sorry, hindi namin alam”. They probably were expecting earlier that I should have stood up and opened the gate for them.  Tatay explained to them and told my story. Again, I will repeat, I don’t expect people to understand or even know. But of course for people who do know my story and knew what happened to me, I would be the one to have expectations. It’s not easy for me to walk in unfamiliar surroundings, I don’t like to go to places that have not been inspected prior, ayoko ng nangangapa, I want to know if there are ramps, stairs or distant parking spaces, or if there’s even a parking for that matter.  It’s not easy to walk in even surfaces, much so in sloping floors. Nanay would always tell me to go to church and hear mass but I explained to her that with all the slopes in the church it’s a herculean task for me, actually I could try if I want to but what I fear the most is twisting my ankle, I’m already disabled, magiging double disabled pa?

I have so many fears. Being in my body, have I told you it’s difficult? To reach for something on the floor is very difficult but I can do it, I have the will, I have the power, if I set my mind to do something I will do it, hindi ako pabebe. 3 years ago I thought it would be impossible to get rid of my nurse but I have been bothered by the bills we have to pay, so to get rid of the nurse, I have to be able to do things on my own I need to be able to give myself a proper bath, I need to be able to feed myself, yes, like going to the kitchen getting my mug and prepare coffee, getting a plate, heat my bread and eat on my own. Taking a bath is not so difficult but getting dressed is. I had to watch you tube videos on how to wear brassiere with one working arm, happily I can report that yes, I can do it already. Of course you already know that I can cook and bake, but mind you, it’s with an assistant, and without her, sorry to say I can’t and wouldn’t be able to do it, that’s why I’m super grateful for the presence of Del, our house help. I can also clean our house on my own when Del isn’t around, I can sweep the floor and mop afterwards. Ohh how liberating it is to talk about the things that one can do. I don’t want to think about the things I cannot do. I will just focus on those that I can. But people drag you down sometimes. I have said that I don’t expect people to know and understand what happened to me, I mentioned it probably ten times already. But I also said that for those people who do know, I expect more, that’s why it hurts to know that some people perceive me as a snob just because I don’t approach them to have conversations, did I mention it’s not easy to walk? Do I need to be the one to go to you and kiss your ass? Mygahd. I hate drags. When I was living normally, I mean, back in the day when I was still normal, I am the most misunderstood person. I don’t blame people to think that way, because being me is truly polarizing. I cannot say that I have changed positively, but I am constantly trying. I try to compensate for those things that I cannot do. Say, I cannot go to you to mingle or build, or rebuild relationship or friendship, I will find a way to do so. Something that I’m probably good at.so don’t you even say that I’m not trying because you know that I do try, and sometimes, I try so hard, bordering on OA. Honestly, there are times when I don’t even want to try anymore. When that time comes, I hope to God, you remember.